genital herpes would be fine

Dear stranger,

I moved into the house I live in last year in the summer. You remember it, don't you? You were just there yesterday. I moved from awful suburbia to a quaint neighborhood in a college town, and I love where I live. Stranger, you can imagine how excited I was a few weeks ago when those plants in my yard that I've been wondering about started to bloom daffodils, and just about a week ago as the daffodils started to wilt, some other plants that I wasn't familiar with began to turn colors, and holy shit. I have red tulips in my yard too. Red tulips! I've never had dramatic bulb flowers, and I've been so excited every day for the last few weeks to look out in my yard to a little sea of daffodils, and grape hyacinths, and now tulips. Yesterday morning as I left for work, I decided that I might pick a couple of tulips at lunchtime to take into work so I could remember what I get to look forward to at home. But stranger, you ruined that. You walked into my yard yesterday morning while I was at work, and you stole all of my tulips. You snapped them off with your hands, probably while glancing over your shoulder because you knew what you were doing was wrong. Are you a stupid guy who saw a cheap way to impress your girlfriend? Are you a selfish, bobble-headed woman who thought they were pretty? Either way, I hope you get an STD, preferably of the treatable-but-not-curable variety.

Love,
Michelle