Everyone likes to hear about other people's absurd dreams, don't they?

So it's my college graduation, and I'm all dressed in the cap and gown and everything. I go out to where my family is before the ceremony and as I pass people that I know aren't graduating, I kind of point and hassle them with a little "ha ha you suckers, I'm graduating and you're not" stuff. I get over to where my father is and everyone is looking very serious. He says, "Take your cap off. Our president has just been lightered to death in Afghanistan."

I don't know if he was like, lit on fire with the lighters, or if the metal parts of the lighters were heated up with the flame and then stuck on his arms all teenage self-mutilation style. But whatever.